I’m So Pretty


What started out as humiliation and degradation became consolation and then redemption.

Ya know ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, when my Mommy looks down at me smiles broadly and says excitedly, “Ride in car?” I know there is trouble abrewin’. Yep, I know that something not good or even bad or possibly evil is on the horizon. The last several times I rode in car it was for a trip to the needle factory where I got stuck in the neck more than a couple of times with a large plastic device that had a needle at the end. But ya know, I do go to fun places too in the car so it’s not really all negative riding in the car. It can be fun, but I usually fall asleep right away anyhow.

Well, from the picture above you will see that is where I ended up last week. I was there for a total of four hours and I was there alone. Mommy and Daddy left me there. Yeah, they were nervous dropping me off for the first time and I wanna tell ya…I was scared.

Let me set the scene, I was taken into the back room where there were scads of other dogs. Big dogs. Small dogs. Mean looking dogs and a lot of stupid dogs…I mean I am a poodle and poodles are smart, right? I know smart from stupid. And then there were all these humans poking these poor dog victims. My poor fellow canines were being poked, drowned with water, clipped with a buzzing machine and then half-blown away with this large device that creates hurricane force winds.

So, Jamie, you’ll see her picture later, started cooing at me, making nice like I am stupid and I don’t know what’s coming. She plopped me down on this high small table and began clipping my nails. Sorry, but I did not ask for that to be done. I mean, how am I supposed to dig in the dirt and mud in the big field backyard when all my toe nails are short and stubby.

Okay, that over she takes me to this deep white big bowl. She turns on the water from a long spout that extended out from the edge of the bowl and I am immediately inundated by a large waterfall from overhead. That’s wrong. I should be able to walk in water beneath my paws not get drowned by a waterfall above my body. And then she mooshes me all up with this white sweet but putrid smelling goo that she calls shampoo. Another no no, dogs, like me, we like to roll in the dirt. We like to shake it all off and then move on quickly. Then Jamie rubbed this white goo in over and over and over.

And again, I am being drowned by the waterfall. I tried to shake it off but more kept on coming. Endless, folks, simply endless.

Okay, that over back on the table and I am rubbed and rubbed with a rough uncomfortable white cloth she calls a towel. And then the danger starts, first my snout is clipped with the loud and noisy buzzing device. And then, the pain begins. She takes this metal device she calls tweezers and started pulling hairs growing in my ear. Really, pulling ear hairs? Those hairs aren’t bothering anybody, surely not me. Now that hurt. But I want you to know right here and now, I am a brave girl. I did not cry or squirm or jump. I can take it because I am pretty and I am tough…but I did cry a little bit.

Actually, all the buzzing, clipping, and ear-hair-pulling was done before I was thrown into the big white bowl. I am sorry. The retelling of this story has me all discombobulated.

Finally, the big human on demand, aim-where-you-want, screaming, noisy, scary hair dryer comes out. Jamie almost blew me off the table, I mean I only weigh 6 pounds and here comes a force 5 zephyr that almost got me airborne. I looked over at a comrade, a golden retriever weighing maybe 80 pounds, and he had the same torture occurring at the same time. He didn’t budge. And he didn’t move either. But you know, retrievers are dumb. I mean you can throw a ball in front of them a thousand times and they grab that ball and come right back to their owners and drop the ball at their owner’s feet. How stupid is that? What, making the same mistake over and over again and expecting different results is smart? I don’t think so.

You all know that when some human is foolish enough to get rid of a perfectly good ball by throwing it in front of you, you run for it, grab it, runaway and don’t give the ball back. You found it. You made the effort to run for it. It’s in your mouth. So why should you give it back?

Then into a small cage to wait for Mommy and Daddy after an endless brushing session. Mommy does it to me in 30 seconds. Jamie did it for what seemed like hours. And so what do I do when I am thrown into a small cage? I started yelping and screaming…”I want out…I want out….I want out.”

Finally, after a while Jamie comes back to my cage and starts cooing again that Mommy and Daddy are here. Really, ya think? I told all of you before that I am smart. I knew they were there. Not only could I hear them and smell them in the other room, I am clairvoyant. I “knew” when they were on the way, driving down the road and pulling up in front of the Beauty Salon. I could see it inside my big brain.

And I see my Mommy and Daddy, finally. And what does Daddy do? He says, “Wait there a second, Jamie. Let me take a picture.” I have been tortured for hours and want him to grab me, kiss me, and tell me how beautiful I look and he wants to take a lousy picture. I know all of you want to see Jamie and how I look after all of that torture, but there is a sense of timing and propriety. I want to be held, kissed and loved….NOW! Okay, here’s the silly picture of Jamie holding me just after she snatched me from the cage:

Jamie and SkyThere, are you satisfied now? Hard to see me in the picture, hunh?

Then I finally get back home with Mommy and Daddy. And what is the first thing Daddy wants to do, take another lousy picture of me. Do you believe it? I know I am beautiful but I have to pee like a race horse and like, immediately. However, my Mommy ignores Daddy and takes me out to pee. I do. And a lot. Back inside and here is the final finished work:


Yep, I am pretty. Do you agree?